


Alive and Awake with Aches and Bliss

by Hildigunnur



Category: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Family, First Time, Siblings, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 16:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17025747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildigunnur/pseuds/Hildigunnur
Summary: For all her great imagination, Cath had never really thought about herself in a real relationship.





	Alive and Awake with Aches and Bliss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SaraJaye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/gifts).



> SaraJaye, I hope you're having an amazing Yuletide!
> 
> My love to E, my trusty beta. Any remaining errors are all mine!

A real relationship. 

For all her great imagination, Cath had never really thought about herself being in a real relationship. She could write Simon and Baz every which way but for herself, things had always stopped at the point she and Abel had stopped. They were friends who hung out and occasionally shared a couple of chaste kisses. 

Despite the epic, torrid love stories she’d concocted about Simon and Baz, all the stories she’d read about Simon and Baz, things with Levi were unchartered territory. She could just as well have read the phonebook as a guide to navigate this situation.

Cath wasn’t sure what the part was that felt the most unknown. Maybe it was the depth of their feelings for each other, maybe it was the fact that she actually had to take his feelings into account or maybe it was because Levi was a man. A young man, for sure, but she couldn’t call him a boy. Not when she felt the stubble on his face almost every time they kissed, not when she could feel the strength in his body when her fingers touched him.

She was so thankful that Levi knew she was a timid explorer. He was patient with her and her little hang-ups. 

But all of Levi’s patience didn’t make up for the fact that Cath was nervous as hell. 

She was sitting in Levi’s truck as they were driving to Arnold, to the ranch where Levi lived with his family. He’d come all the way to Omaha to pick her up so she could spend time with him. She didn’t have a summer job, while he surely did because the ranch was busy in the summer. 

They had the windows down for most of the ride because Levi’s truck didn’t have a functioning AC. It could have been a picturesque road trip. In a movie, there would have been a montage with a song playing, the heroine’s hair flying in the breeze. The heroine wouldn’t be as preoccupied as Cath was with hiding her extreme nerves. 

She was about to meet Levi’s family. 

There had been an opportunity before, when Levi’s sister got married just over a month ago. An invite had been extended to Cath but Levi had pretty much read her thoughts and told her that meeting his family en-masse could be overwhelming and she was in no way obligated to come. Plus he’d wanted to spend time with her alone and they would be hard pressed to find even a moment to themselves. 

So they had decided on Cath coming in late June and staying for the 4th of July. She was pretty okay with that as the Averys, like with any other holiday, weren’t big on 4th of July traditions. Maybe they’d drag some chairs out to the patio and watch some fireworks, after eating burgers and hotdogs, but that was about it.

Levi had talked about some great big cook-out that happened on his ranch every 4th of July but he’d also promised her that they could sneak off if that would get overwhelming for her. 

She had smiled when he’d said that, because he always managed to get things like that across without making it sound like she was a fragile little flower whose social awkwardness was cramping his style.

*

The ranch was like Cath had imagined it. The house itself obviously had soul. It was well maintained, the coat of paint was probably only few months old and the nice yard in front of it had tidy flower beds with summer flowers and flowering bushes. Everything looked a little lived-in, though, in the best sense. There was equipment and other things lying about but nothing looked neglected.

“Welcome to Bison Grove,” Levi said as he drove up to the main house.

Cath allowed Levi to help her out of the truck and to carry her bag even though he had driven hundreds of miles that day. She needed those few moments they had walking up to the house. 

The picture that Reagan had painted of Levi’s mom was a bit daunting, so Cath focused on her rational mind which was trying to tell her that she was an adult and that Levi was definitely an adult, and that Marlisse wouldn’t think she was possessed or anything and throw her out for being a charlatan. 

The actual Marlisse was quite short, with warm eyes which were a lot darker than Levi’s and hair that might have been a little bit red in her youth but was mostly faded now or graying. 

“Welcome, love,” she said, smiling to Cath. “We’ve been so excited to meet you, Cather.”

Cath awkwardly let herself be hugged. She supposed that this was a motherly hug that Marlisse gave her it was soft and warm in a way she hadn’t really experienced except with her grandmother.

She got introduced to Levi’s two sisters who were still living at the ranch; Charity who was her age and Tabitha who was still in high school at 17 years old. Then there was Levi’s dad, Jed. Levi’s tallness came from his father, but Jed was broader than his son. Maybe that was what decades of ranch work did to a man’s body. She tried to imagine Levi at his father’s age, but it was hard, because all his soft spots kept getting in the way of the mental picture.

Cath had just managed to put away her things in the guest room, which had previously belonged to Judith, Levi’s oldest sister, when they were called down for a family dinner. Which was fried steak with smashed potatoes, something that Cath learned was a childhood favorite of Levi’s. 

“I was thinking I could show you Arnold at night, and maybe meet up with Reagan - that’s if you’re not tired.” Levi looked at her, obviously giving her the option to say no. But it was barely seven yet, and while Levi’s family had been nothing but polite and nice to her, seeing someone familiar like Reagan might make her a little less nervous.

Reagan lived in the actual village of Arnold which was much like any other small town of its size. One main street, with a few businesses, a school and a handful of churches. Reagan’s house was quite close to what one could call the center of town and when Levi and Cath arrived there, Reagan was sitting out on the front porch, obviously waiting for them.

“Well, well, finally we got your ass here,” Reagan said in lieu of a hello when Cath and Levi made it up the path to the house. “Since it’s nice out tonight, I thought we might stay out here.”

Cath knew it hadn’t so much to do with the nicely warm summer evening that Reagan was opting for the patio instead of dragging them inside, it was because Reagan obviously didn’t smoke inside the house, but Cath didn’t mind staying outside, especially if it meant she didn’t have to face anymore new people tonight. The patio was screened off and Reagan seemed to have a pitcher of lemonade out.

“So tell me, what does Marlisse think of her new daughter-in-law?” Reagan said as she lit a cigarette.

“Reagan,” Levi said, his tone maybe not admonishing but he was clearly not too happy with the question.

“I honestly don’t know,” Cath said. “She’s been pretty welcoming so far.”

“Not too many questions?” Reagan took a puff of her cigarette.

“Well, yeah, but it’s me were talking about, I don’t give up information that easily,” Cath said, smiling.

“True, true. You would make a great spy in that respect.”

The conversation flowed nicely even though Cath was feeling tired and she was sure Levi had to be tired after driving out to Omaha and back again in one day. 

“You must have brought your laptop with you. Simon and Baz probably won’t leave you alone even if you’ve escaped into the countryside.”

Cath felt her face flush. She had brought her laptop but she wasn’t really working on Simon and Baz right now. The file that was most recently updated was something she had started after finally turning in that Fiction-Writing assignment. It wasn’t a sequel or anything like that, just another take on a similar theme. It turned out that her family might be a great source of inspiration. 

“Since I finished ‘Carry On, Simon’, I’ve been taking a bit of a vacation from Simon and Baz. I guess I’m still mulling over The Eighth Dance.

“Ah, yeah, the ending was quite open, almost like Ms Leslie isn’t ready herself to say goodbye. I mean, when you could make even more money, why stop?” Reagan cocked her eyebrow. Cath knew it was a bit of baiting on Reagan’s part. Once, she would have fought hard for Gemma T. Leslie’s honor, but now she was not as inclined to do so. She still admired the creator of Simon Snow immensely and would cherish the series for the rest of her life but a criticism of GTL or Simon Snow wasn’t a criticism of her or even her own writing.

“We’ll see,” was the answer that Cath settled on. “And I guess I’m not done with Simon and Baz falling for each other again and again. I rake in the comments even if I only hint at writing something so I’m not one to blame her if that’s the case.”

Reagan shrugged and took another drag from her cigarette, the second since they had arrived. Levi hadn’t said much and Cath guessed that the tiredness was hitting him. 

“I think we should call it a night,” she said, looking at Levi who only managed a small smile. Reagan shrugged again.

“I’ll be seeing you two - and Cath, if you want company or you know, call me. I’m only working half shifts this week so I’m free most of the time.”

When they got to the car, Cath asked Levi if he was too sleepy to drive but he shook his head.

“I think the truck could almost drive itself back, I’ve driven this route often enough.”

Cath had her eyes on her boyfriend the entire way back, afraid he would fall asleep. But he didn’t and when they stopped in front of Levi’s house, he smiled.

“I saw you were worried.”

“You looked so tired at Reagan’s place. Plus you drove a lot today.”

“But I didn’t want to miss out on the only time today or tonight or whatever we should call it, to kiss you.” 

There was nothing sleepy about the way he reached over to Cath to take her in his arms and kiss her.

*

Cath had never woken up to a rooster call before. It made her a little disoriented to be in an unfamiliar room, with even stranger sounds coming from outside. There was the rooster, and some other birds singing, and there was also some machine sound. It was still early morning and she had no reason to be up yet, so she sank back into the bed. It was very cosy and Cath had slept under a beautiful quilted blanket which she was sure had to be made by Marlisse.

While it was wonderful to be so close to Levi, to see where he came from, she felt unmoored. It felt a bit like when she started college last fall and didn’t dare to go to the dining hall. Now it was going to the bathroom as she was sharing it with both Charity and Tabitha. And then downstairs for breakfast. It shouldn’t be so difficult, and she had come so far in getting better with these things, but the dread for the small talk was growing like a rock in her stomach. 

Lying in the bed, with the growing daylight shining through the windows, the feeling of missing someone washed over her. She missed her father and Wren, and she missed Levi even though he was probably just few feet away.

She knew what she had to do. It was a question of gritting her teeth and getting to know Levi’s family better. Make herself more familiar with this house and the people.

When Cath finally made it down to the kitchen, the only person there was Marlisse. Everyone else had left and Cath felt a pang of regret at not catching up with Levi there. It was obvious that Marlisse wanted to be hospitable and welcoming to Cath and by all measures she was, but Cath couldn’t warm up to her as much as she wanted.

“So you have a twin sister, right?” Marlisse asked as she was clearing the plates from the table. Cath nodded. “And you were raised by your father, because your mother moved away?” There was a tone of disbelief in Marlisse’s voice, a tone Cath had heard before, especially from women.

“Yes, she did,” Cath said. She knew this conversation was likely to become even more uncomfortable.

“I know I shouldn’t pry, but why didn’t you move with her? You’re her daughters, was it an issue of custody or…?” 

Cath took a deep breath. While her own feelings toward her mother were complicated, to say the least, she had always had a hard time with people outside of her family giving their opinions on how her mother had acted. And Marlisse clearly had some thoughts on the matter.

“No, she left us because she didn’t want to be a mother.”

Marlisse’s eyes grew wide. Cath knew that a woman like her, who’d had five children of her own and hadn’t had a career outside of her home, would probably be dumbfounded on hearing that.

“I… I’m so sorry,” was what Marlisse managed to say before grabbing Cath into a hug. It wasn’t the first time someone reacted like that to hearing about her mother. It was one thing not to understand her mother but Cath felt, on a fundamental level, that this meant that Marlisse wouldn’t understand her. 

Retreating to the guest room after breakfast, Cath pulled out her laptop and added a few pages to what she was working on.

*

It wasn’t until after dinner that Cath and Levi had a moment for themselves, out in his truck. Cath had spent the day tucked away in the guest room writing, only coming down for meals. It was easier to deal with her sense of unease about avoiding people than it was to experience Marlisse’s sympathy. Nothing she could say or do changed what Cath’s own mother had done or how Cath felt about that.

But Cath didn’t want to talk about that with Levi. Having a sense of being so close to him but yet so far away made her need for him so physical. She wanted to touch him and kiss him, feel his skin; his soft spots and his hard spots. Her enthusiasm was so great, pulling at Levi’s clothing, touching him, that he pulled back after a while.

“Whoa, I need to put on the breaks here,” Levi said, his hands in the air. “It’s like you’re trying to eat me.”

Cath looked at him, pulling herself together. They had been at this physical stuff for long enough for her not to panic when things weren’t going smoothly. Actually, who knew how awkward exactly these things could get? It would be interesting to incorporate a little bit of that awkwardness when she wrote about Simon and Baz again. 

Levi was looking at her, clearly not wanting to press her to explain but still wanting an explanation.

“I don’t know, it’s like I’m still missing even though I’m here with you. I think I might be missing how it is in Lincoln. We go on dates and hang out and have fun and we have your room and our privacy there, but we don’t have these things here.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Levi said and ran his hand through his hair. “If my body didn’t have the muscle memory for all my chores around here I wouldn’t do a thing, because all I keep thinking about is you.”

They looked at each other, aware of the intensity between them. It was unspoken but both of them were sure about what they wanted.

“Wait here,” Levi said after almost of a minute of loaded silence. He stepped out of the truck which was still parked in front of his house. A few moments later he returned with blankets and other stuff, including water bottles.

“I know a spot I want to show you, I planned on doing it later…” he said, looking at Cath like he was searching her face. She hoped that he read her right, that she was eager to have a moment with him, to have intimacy.

“You alright with that?” The smile that followed his question conveyed to Cath that he knew they were on the same page.

Levi’s place was a grove of fruits trees, mostly apple and pear trees, the fruit visible but not fully ripened. It belonged to the ranch, but it could not be seen from the house. 

“This was one of my spots when I was a kid and got frustrated with my homework or my sisters. Sometimes I liked to go to the stables but sometimes I came here because it was quiet and I could think.” 

Cath loved it right away. She could envision little Levi sitting under one of the trees, getting over whatever had bothered him. Every time Levi talked about himself it became clearer and clearer why he was who he was. A good person who really wanted to be a good person.

And she was so in love with him.

She stepped out of the truck and noticed that the sun was going down, but this wasn’t a particularly good viewing spot for sunsets. The trees grew a bit too thick for it, but the dusk made the place more private, more like they were alone in the world. 

Levi was in the back, putting the blankets down in the bed of the truck. 

Cath didn’t want to join him right away and instead walked in between the trees. The longing thrummed in her veins and with every breath her nerves were calming down. 

It was her and Levi and their own little world.

Levi helped her up onto the truck. It was kind of amazing how he had converted the bed of his truck into this nest she couldn’t wait to burrow herself into.

Without saying anything, they began to undress each other. It wasn’t the first time they were naked together. Those last few weeks before the term ended, they had some moments up in Levi’s room back in Lincoln. The aerie was the first place Cath had an orgasm induced by someone else than herself when Levi had gone down on her. She had actually shocked herself when she had welcomed him between her legs as he kissed down her body. In her mind, she had always thought she would be so self-conscious if and when a guy would want to touch there, not to mention doing something more. But Levi had managed to make her less than self-conscious, he had managed to make her feel desired. 

In the perfect story, like in her earlier stories about Simon and Baz and their first time, the sky would have been lit with stars and the moon would have been glowing. But the sky wasn’t clear, and it would probably rain in the morning. But Cath didn’t care. She was there, naked and safe with the guy she loved, and that was as perfect as she wanted to be.

When he was inside of her, the sense of missing him felt alien. He was as much a part of her as any of her own parts. 

Cath was thankful for all the blankets Levi had brought, when they were cuddling in the afterglow. The night air did feel chilly afterwards. 

“You okay?” Levi asked, pulling her closer so she fitted nearly seamlessly to his body.

“Yeah, so much more than okay.”

*

The rooster woke Cath again. She lay in the bed and took stock of her body. There were aches she hadn’t felt before, but she liked them. They were there to remind her of Levi, having physical proof of his presence. She knew she’d miss him less today than she had the day before because she could think back on last night and keep on processing it.

Still, a part of her was waiting until it would be okay to call Wren. It was still a few hours off. She had contemplated on calling her when she and Levi had arrived back at the house late last night, but she knew she’d have a little more privacy in the morning. 

When it was finally nine o’clock it was no longer unusually cruel to call Wren. Cath would be waking her up, but Wren should be able to get coherent enough.

“Hey,” Cath said when Wren picked up.

“Hey.” The phone call had clearly woken Wren. “Wait, what’s the time? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m perfectly fine. You told me I should let you know…” Cath took a deep breath.

“Let me know what? … Oh my god! Cath! You’ve finally… with Levi?”

“Yeah, with whom else would I have slept with?”

“Cath, you know what I mean. It’s huge. Was it good? I mean, it probably was, you’ve told me about him going down on you… but did you come?”

“It was pretty perfect but not that perfect. Or does it count that he fingered me first?”

“Seriously, can Levi teach Jandro stuff? I mean, Jandro is good but not that into my pleasure.”

“Wren, really.”

“I know, I’m a bit jealous, that’s all. I just need to find a way to guide Jandro myself, you know, discreetly. But tell me the deets. Was it in his bed, with his religious mom in the next room?...”

Cath smiled as she listened to Wren’s chatter, injecting an answer occasionally. Maybe things weren’t as perfect as they could be, but the prospects were good.

-Fin


End file.
